Missed Connections:

 

M4W – The way you were holding those

plums caught my eye in the supermarket

yesterday afternoon.

I am not sure if you saw me on account of

how busy you were with your 4 children. I

was tempted to introduce myself and help

you pick up the one you dropped. I was to

busy admiring from afar whilst you tried to

maneuver around your baby bump to bend

down. Nice.

 

Hi-

You left your 36 value pack of condoms and

your organic multi grain whole wheat bread

at my Farmers Market in Stirling this past

Friday. You included the receipt for the

condoms, which both shocked and

delighted me. I really had no idea condoms

were this expensive. Shocked because,

although these look like really good ones,

they set you back almost 40 bucks!

Delighted because if no one claims them,

I'm exchanging them for a couple boxes of

Made Good bars and a lotto ticket. Maybe

I’ll get as lucky as you seem to think you will

be… I’ll even pick 36 as one of my numbers.

I didn't see you, but I imagine you to be

MALE, born in the 90's or 2000's, very

optimistic, health conscious yet carb loving,

clearly not diabetic. Maybe a long-distance

runner? Would make sense in the stamina

department as well. Or maybe you are in a

band?

I asked around, but no one was admitting

anything to me. I learned that people don't

appreciate being asked if they misplaced

them. I just feel like if I ever spent 40 bucks

on condoms and 6 bucks on a loaf of bread

and then LOST them while buying a 7-dollar

freshly pleased juice, I'd be so mad.

So let me know if these are yours. I'll bring

them this weekend to the market.

 

Dear Sir or Madam:

Ha ha! You are clever! In the true holiday

spirit, you gifted your unwanted parking

ticket to a neighboring vehicle! (Which

belongs to me)

Unfortunately, you disregarded two

important points. First, I do not drive a

silver Buick; second, I do not plan to pay the

city $30 on your behalf.

I understand fines double after 10 days and

triple after 90 days. Merry Christmas!

Cordial Disregards,

Me, who’s vehicle you tried to pawn the

ticket off on…

 

M4F- You were the hot brunette with

curves in all the right places. I was the tall

guy next to you that looked over and asked,

"Was that you?" You quickly replied "No...

Wasn't me!" You almost seemed insulted I

would ask. As the stink grew you continued

to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I

tried to get rid of the stench by waving a

couple loafs of bread from the shelf. You

proceeded to storm off in an angry manner.

You are beautiful and even though you are

a liar and fart like fresh Tupperware, I would

love to meet up for a drink sometime.

 

To the girl who attempted to break into my

house this morning:

I feel we made a connection, separated only

by inches through the door with the two

locks you were trying to pick. I gave you 15

minutes to make your escape. You’re

welcome BTW, now how about your

number in return?