Imaginary Eats
With Lauren Lafayette Brooks
ANOTHER PIZZA PLACE **
Well I have some very exciting news for pizza lovers in the local
area! A new pizza spot is opening up to serve the delicious
circular favourite.
ANOTHER PIZZA PLACE specializes in what they are coining
“American Style” pizza. For those who are tired of thin crust
Italian or gourmet wood fired options, these pizzas are just the
thing. Every pizza is order-able from a phone app or drive
through window so there is never any reason to leave your car.
For home delivery a drone can bring the pizza right to your
window so need to ever get up and answer the door! I was
hoping to enjoy a few different options but the smallest size is a
personal large (15” diameter) and I couldn’t finish it. The pizza I
did sample was their specialty the “All American” this pizza has
a deep-fried stuffed crust. The crust is filled with Kraft dinner
and hot dog bites. The pizza itself is topped with a tomato
mayonnaise base and a 5 cheeses blend ( mozzarella, cheddar,
nacho cheese sauce, cheese slices and parmesan). It also has
15 meats including pepperoni, baloney, bacon strip and
crumble, sausage, group beef, and pork meat balls to name a
few. The pizza is also topped with tater tots, deep fried pickles,
jalapeño poppers, onion rings and candied pineapple. Finally, it
is drizzled with Ranch, Caesar and blue cheese dressing. You
will defiantly enjoy the excellent value, as this pizza only cost
$9.99 but lasted three days. After eating it I felt: lethargic,
depressed and unsure of my purpose in life for another 3 days,
so I haven’t been able to sample any of the other pizza, but I’m
told “ Who-you-gonna-call? Gut Busters!! ”, “Stomach Cancer”
and “ The Spare Tire ” ( the actual width of a car tire) are very
popular choices.
Joe’s Bakery *
It was a shocked public, that witnessed the quickest grand opening to forced
closure in the history of muffins! Bob’s bakery celebrated its Grand Opening last
month and within 3 weeks the bakery was closed due to multiple charges of
endangering the public, poisoning, and gross bakery malpractice. The main item
at Joe’s Bakery is a specialized gift baked goods in which the costumers can have
a toy baked into the pasty of choice. These can then be given as a gift for
celebrations of all kinds. A sweet idea but with terrible consequences. Within days,
reports came pouring in of chocking, as unsuspecting persons tried to eat these
specialized gift goodies, and various toy parts became lodged in their throats.
Other reports of poisoning were received by local officials, when some toy parts
completely melted and combined with the batter, causing many patrons to have
serious reactions from ingesting high volumes of plastic. Joe the Baker claims he
meant no harm and closed his doors under pressure from police and angry public.
Any profits will surely go towards the ever mounting court cases and legal battles
to come. I myself sampled a blueberry muffin with a partially melted Lego Batman
figure inside it, and found it very unpleasant.
Freshly Pleased Juices ****
Due to multiple complaints and general upset from local clientele, I have been
forced to review a rather controversial cafe, under new ownership. The well-known
and well-loved downtown juice bar has been revamped into an adult juice
boutique. Perviously Freshly Squeezed Juice Bar is now Freshly Pleased Juice
Boutique, and many a loyal customer has been put off by the change. The cafe is
still providing delicious organic juices, made fresh to order, in a variety of flavours.
However, the new owners have renamed all the menu items to coincide with their
new adult theme and clientele. The menu now includes some of the following:
Pear o’ Melons ( pear and watermelon juice), Date-Grape ( Grape juice with date
puree), Nice Citr-ass ( a mix of lemon, lime, grapefruit and orange) and Banana
Hammock ( banana, pineapple and orange). As my readers can imagine these
new names have caused quite a stir and I found myself compelled to write this
review. Upon entering the cafe, I found the uniforms to be drastically different! The
Naughty Librarian at the front counter was very helpful and suggested a few of
their best sellers: Menage et trois-berries, Some like it in the Plum or Blueberry
Balls. In the end, I ordered a sample of three, and had a seat in the new seating
area ( I say seat, but in truth, it was a swing). I watched as the Dominatrix
prepared my juices, then they were brought to me by a charming server dressed
as a School Girl. My sample included the following: Peaches and Creamed (
peach juice and coconut whip topping), Pop your Cherry and Chocolate ( sour
cherry juice and dark chocolate puree) and PBSM ( peanut butter and soy milk),
for the very reasonable price of $16.69. I must say that I enjoyed all of the juices!
The mix of sour cherry and dark chocolate was especially pleasing and the PBSM
is an excellent choice for a protein shake (it can be made with oat or coconut milk
instead of soy if desired). The service was excellent and everyone was very
friendly. Before I knew it I had ended up staying the whole evening. While this new
take of a juice bar isn’t for everyone, it is certainly top quality and a haven for the
open minded.
The Vegetarian Veterinarian *****
If you are a pet owner with a sick pet or just an animal in need of a check up, it is
often difficult to find a bite to eat while you wait for your pets appointment. Add to
the mix being a non-meat eating person, which many of our animal lover are, and
you are really in a pickle. Well look no further, here to support this huge niche
market is a new restaurant : The Vegetarian Veterinarian. What better
combination could you ask for but enjoying a tasty meal with waiting for your sick
or injured pet! I am not a pet owner myself; so to enjoy this wonderful new spot I
had to borrow a friends chinchilla, Alfred. Alfred accompanied me and very much
enjoyed the Chin-Chilly and corn chips. The menu was so full of wonderful
options, I really struggled to pick just a few items. I was sorely tempted by the stir-
fried poodle noodles, puppy “chow”der and Collar-d greens and cocker-spiral
pasta. But in the end, I enjoyed a 3 course meal and drinks at the very reasonable
of $95.00 ( this included a nail trim, deworming, flea check and grooming for
Alfred), easily the best pet care/meal value in town! I started with a Parakeet-a-
Margarita in a fishbowl size. When I added an extra shot of tequila in my drink, I
was thrilled to see the bartender add the shot with a “shot”, using a syringe to
inject my drink- how cute! For a starter, I enjoyed two appetizers: a garden salad-
mander and garlic bread with fleas ( non-dairy cheese substitute). The salad was
very fresh and I was informed that the greens came from a local garden that was
frequented by rabbits and mice. For my main course I enjoyed: the spaghetti and
fur-balls, and was pleased to see the menu offered a gluten free pasta option
which is much apprechiated by the gluten free animal and humans alike. Finally, I
treated myself to a dessert and after-meal drink. It was a tough choice but the
Chocolate Moose with mice cream won in the end, accompanied by a Rabies
cappuccino ( leaves the mouth foamy) available in pumpkin spice or apple
cinnamon flavours. I was so delighted with the fare, I took a few items to go (
Cauliflower Crate Crunch and Turtleshell Tacos) and enjoyed them both. The
excellent staff also host a Sunday brunch and play, allowing pet owners to dine
while their dogs run and play in the dog park, for a reasonable $45 ( poop and
scoop included). This meal consists of eggs of your choice, Husky Hashbrowns,
sliced tomatoes and don’t-leave-them-baked-in-the-car Beans. All in all a five star
rating, a do not miss for all pet owners, as they say at the Vegetarian Veterinarian
” You came for the food but you “spaid” for the service!”