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Food and Drink

Imaginary Eats
With Lauren Lafayette Brooks



Well I have some very exciting news for pizza lovers in the local

area! A new pizza spot is opening up to serve the delicious

circular favourite.

ANOTHER PIZZA PLACE specializes in what they are coining

“American Style” pizza. For those who are tired of thin crust

Italian or gourmet wood fired options, these pizzas are just the

thing. Every pizza is order-able from a phone app or drive

through window so there is never any reason to leave your car.

For home delivery a drone can bring the pizza right to your

window so need to ever get up and answer the door! I was

hoping to enjoy a few different options but the smallest size is a

personal large (15” diameter) and I couldn’t finish it. The pizza I

did sample was their specialty the “All American” this pizza has

a deep-fried stuffed crust. The crust is filled with Kraft dinner

and hot dog bites. The pizza itself is topped with a tomato

mayonnaise base and a 5 cheeses blend ( mozzarella, cheddar,

nacho cheese sauce, cheese slices and parmesan). It also has

15 meats including pepperoni, baloney, bacon strip and

crumble, sausage, group beef, and pork meat balls to name a

few. The pizza is also topped with tater tots, deep fried pickles,

jalapeño poppers, onion rings and candied pineapple. Finally, it

is drizzled with Ranch, Caesar and blue cheese dressing. You

will defiantly enjoy the excellent value, as this pizza only cost

$9.99 but lasted three days. After eating it I felt: lethargic,

depressed and unsure of my purpose in life for another 3 days,

so I haven’t been able to sample any of the other pizza, but I’m

told “ Who-you-gonna-call? Gut Busters!! ”, “Stomach Cancer”

and “ The Spare Tire ” ( the actual width of a car tire) are very

popular choices.



Joe’s Bakery *

It was a shocked public, that witnessed the quickest grand opening to forced

closure in the history of muffins! Bob’s bakery celebrated its Grand Opening last

month and within 3 weeks the bakery was closed due to multiple charges of

endangering the public, poisoning, and gross bakery malpractice. The main item

at Joe’s Bakery is a specialized gift baked goods in which the costumers can have

a toy baked into the pasty of choice. These can then be given as a gift for

celebrations of all kinds. A sweet idea but with terrible consequences. Within days,

reports came pouring in of chocking, as unsuspecting persons tried to eat these

specialized gift goodies, and various toy parts became lodged in their throats.

Other reports of poisoning were received by local officials, when some toy parts

completely melted and combined with the batter, causing many patrons to have

serious reactions from ingesting high volumes of plastic. Joe the Baker claims he

meant no harm and closed his doors under pressure from police and angry public.

Any profits will surely go towards the ever mounting court cases and legal battles

to come. I myself sampled a blueberry muffin with a partially melted Lego Batman

figure inside it, and found it very unpleasant.





Freshly Pleased Juices ****

Due to multiple complaints and general upset from local clientele, I have been

forced to review a rather controversial cafe, under new ownership. The well-known

and well-loved downtown juice bar has been revamped into an adult juice

boutique. Perviously Freshly Squeezed Juice Bar is now Freshly Pleased Juice

Boutique, and many a loyal customer has been put off by the change. The cafe is

still providing delicious organic juices, made fresh to order, in a variety of flavours.

However, the new owners have renamed all the menu items to coincide with their

new adult theme and clientele. The menu now includes some of the following:

Pear o’ Melons ( pear and watermelon juice), Date-Grape ( Grape juice with date

puree), Nice Citr-ass ( a mix of lemon, lime, grapefruit and orange) and Banana

Hammock ( banana, pineapple and orange). As my readers can imagine these

new names have caused quite a stir and I found myself compelled to write this

review. Upon entering the cafe, I found the uniforms to be drastically different! The

Naughty Librarian at the front counter was very helpful and suggested a few of

their best sellers: Menage et trois-berries, Some like it in the Plum or Blueberry

Balls. In the end, I ordered a sample of three, and had a seat in the new seating

area ( I say seat, but in truth, it was a swing). I watched as the Dominatrix

prepared my juices, then they were brought to me by a charming server dressed

as a School Girl. My sample included the following: Peaches and Creamed (

peach juice and coconut whip topping), Pop your Cherry and Chocolate ( sour

cherry juice and dark chocolate puree) and PBSM ( peanut butter and soy milk),

for the very reasonable price of $16.69. I must say that I enjoyed all of the juices!

The mix of sour cherry and dark chocolate was especially pleasing and the PBSM

is an excellent choice for a protein shake (it can be made with oat or coconut milk

instead of soy if desired). The service was excellent and everyone was very

friendly. Before I knew it I had ended up staying the whole evening. While this new

take of a juice bar isn’t for everyone, it is certainly top quality and a haven for the

open minded.

The Vegetarian Veterinarian *****

If you are a pet owner with a sick pet or just an animal in need of a check up, it is

often difficult to find a bite to eat while you wait for your pets appointment. Add to

the mix being a non-meat eating person, which many of our animal lover are, and

you are really in a pickle. Well look no further, here to support this huge niche

market is a new restaurant : The Vegetarian Veterinarian. What better

combination could you ask for but enjoying a tasty meal with waiting for your sick

or injured pet! I am not a pet owner myself; so to enjoy this wonderful new spot I

had to borrow a friends chinchilla, Alfred. Alfred accompanied me and very much

enjoyed the Chin-Chilly and corn chips. The menu was so full of wonderful


options, I really struggled to pick just a few items. I was sorely tempted by the stir-

fried poodle noodles, puppy “chow”der and Collar-d greens and cocker-spiral


pasta. But in the end, I enjoyed a 3 course meal and drinks at the very reasonable

of $95.00 ( this included a nail trim, deworming, flea check and grooming for


Alfred), easily the best pet care/meal value in town! I started with a Parakeet-a-

Margarita in a fishbowl size. When I added an extra shot of tequila in my drink, I


was thrilled to see the bartender add the shot with a “shot”, using a syringe to


inject my drink- how cute! For a starter, I enjoyed two appetizers: a garden salad-

mander and garlic bread with fleas ( non-dairy cheese substitute). The salad was


very fresh and I was informed that the greens came from a local garden that was

frequented by rabbits and mice. For my main course I enjoyed: the spaghetti and

fur-balls, and was pleased to see the menu offered a gluten free pasta option

which is much apprechiated by the gluten free animal and humans alike. Finally, I

treated myself to a dessert and after-meal drink. It was a tough choice but the

Chocolate Moose with mice cream won in the end, accompanied by a Rabies

cappuccino ( leaves the mouth foamy) available in pumpkin spice or apple

cinnamon flavours. I was so delighted with the fare, I took a few items to go (

Cauliflower Crate Crunch and Turtleshell Tacos) and enjoyed them both. The

excellent staff also host a Sunday brunch and play, allowing pet owners to dine

while their dogs run and play in the dog park, for a reasonable $45 ( poop and

scoop included). This meal consists of eggs of your choice, Husky Hashbrowns,

sliced tomatoes and don’t-leave-them-baked-in-the-car Beans. All in all a five star

rating, a do not miss for all pet owners, as they say at the Vegetarian Veterinarian

” You came for the food but you “spaid” for the service!”

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